I have been trying to figure out a new post for a while now and well nothing really has been coming to mind. See I have been trying to keep my posts as positive as I can to bring upliftment to others that may need it. Lately life has been full of challenges both mentally and physically for, oh, I don't know the passed year for me. So while I have been posting things positive, they really haven't been specifically about myself. I have realized as of late that the best "therapy" or "pill" is being honest with who you are no matter what farmer joe may think down the road. I am also a skeptic about putting things out there on the internet so this is actually a big step for me. I do hope that sharing my thoughts will be of benefit to someone else in its own special way.
I look back the passed year and I realized Heavenly Father gave me some hard trials. I don't know why they came about the way they did but I know I have grown immensely from them. Here is my story. The 2nd semester of Michael's grad school got really intense. To the point I hardly ever saw him even when he was home. We both had callings we were faithfully fulfilling. And some very hard news of a death in the family and a tragic incidence of another family member. You mix that with a little boy you NEVER slept through the night till he was 14 months old and you can say I was exhausted. Actually exhausted is an understatement. I honestly can't remember everything that played out together or even how it all happened, but I guess I just got to the point I was so depressed with life and everything in it. This is actually something very new to me because I had never been that depressed in my whole life. Even when I had really hard times in the mission I never got that depressed. I remember even getting one of those awards in Girls Camp for being "the most bubbly." I am a very happy person and to go through that was just so hard for me, especially when I have the most wonderful husband and child to tend and take care of. It was hard for me to grasp that I had no control over what I was feeling or how much pain my body was feeling from it. I just had to get through it. Keep reading my scriptures, praying, attending the temple, serving, and most importantly trusting the Lord that He will help me overcome those feelings. It was especially hard knowing and being told I was being obedient to God and realizing I couldn't get myself out of feeling that way. I found outlets and eventually I overcame those feelings even though some days those feelings come back I do my best to not let them happen.
Well not much longer I found out I was pregnant with Asher. Ok, not the timing I was hoping for. Because that is when we would be moving AGAIN. Ok, sidenote: we moved just after Ethan was born too and lets just say I am going to to everything in my power not to have that happen again....right....like we can ever plan things like that. The pregnancy was just what it is. Some women can handle pregnancies great and more power to them but others like me just want to survive it and be done. When I hit 34 weeks I found I was already dilating. Which technically wouldn't be too bad but I had Ethan preterm so my doctor told me to stay down a few days and take it easy. Honestly, she hardly knew me, especially since Michael was in his last semester of grad school and we were planning on moving after he graduated. But I did, watched movies with Ethan ect. ect. I lasted 2 days and landed up in the hospital with a really bad infection and too many contractions. I spent a couple days in the hospital trying to get things under control and then was put on bed rest for the next week or so. I then continued having VERY painful contractions for 4 more weeks after that. These contractions felt like bone on bone. I carried him so low the whole pregnancy that these contractions I was feeling I couldn't even walk them off, I just had to lie in bed for an hour or two till they eased up. Fast forwarding.......labor was long when it finally came but I was very relieved to be done....or so I thought. I recovered well and what I mean by that is I didn't hemorrhage like I did with Ethan. I had absolutely no energy for weeks after I had Ethan but with Asher I was up and about pretty quick.
So 2 weeks after I had Asher, the moving company came and packed what else I hadn't already packed up and started its trek to Washington. So we spent a week literally camping out in our apartment while Michael finished up his finals. We then got to Washington and ended up spending a week with family while we waited for our stuff to arrive. The truck hit every storm they said on its way here. In the meantime, we realized that in our new home the heater convienantly decided to stop working. So even if we wanted to go stay in our new home we couldn't. And with it being the Christmas season, once we got our belongings no one was in the office to come and fix the heater. So here we go to Colfax, Wa to spend Christmas with family while trying to get someone to get out and fix our heater before we got back. By this time, I was very glad to be with family but it had been 3 weeks with a newborn and a toddler. Michael and I both were exhausted. So we made it back home and got a lovely cold. So no sleep for mommy with all my coughing. I got a blessing and literally that night I slept like a baby. Yes, Heavenly Father is aware of the small things we ask for. After all this you think I was done right? No. I started realizing something was wrong with me. I was still having painful cramps and still bleeding. Honestly I didn't even know any better because of the hemorrhaging I had with Ethan and the contractions I had FOREVER it seemed with Asher. Mix all that with moving and the last thing I was thinking of was how i was feeling.I was just surviving. So here I go to the doctor and mind you with no insurance to figure it out. $1,000 dollars down the road for just a comprehensive check and ultrasound I found out I still had part of the placenta still inside of me. This is something you are supposed to get taken care of right away or you could get infection or start hemorrhaging. Needless to say we could not afford a $5-10,000 surgery to get a D&C done. So we weighed out options with the doctor and we had a lot in our favor and waited till we could get it figured out. The Lord blessed my body to hold on and Michael to get temporary insurance through his work. I am not going to lie it was extremely painful. My uterus got to the point it was rock hard and I was still taking care of our kids on my own. So a week and a half later I had the surgery. My amazing in-laws came and literally saved the day. My mother in law took me to get the surgery down and my father in law took care of Ethan and Asher. The surgery went well, I just bled a lot. Which if I did have energy this took more of it.
I am doing great now just trying to deal with all the emotion behind it all. When you feel like you need a break and the next thing is another trial, life can get so bleak. Through it all I am now realizing that yes, the Lord does only give us what we can handle. But He also doesn't have us go through it alone. I had an amazing family, husband, and friends give me the support I was needing. I realized I needed to let them know what I was going through and not worrying if I was going to burden them by sharing what I was going through. We also had a great ward we moved into and although I have only been able to go a few times I have already felt there love and friendship. Its great to feel that from others even when they don't know all the details of your life. I have learned to trust others too in sharing the things I am going through and not worrying if they think I am complaining.
Something I have had a hard time seeing is that people can be answers to our prayers. It may sound really bad but I have felt in the passed where I prayed for someone to come and help me with a need I was having and no one came. Truly and especially in Georgia, I know Heavenly Father heard my prayer and sent a new family into the ward that really meet that need for me. It just felt like everything I prayed for that I needed was met by having them in our life. I needed someone to talk to and she was there. I needed someone to help me with Ethan and she was there. I also came to realize that maybe those times when i felt like my prayer wasn't answered was because maybe I needed to get outside myself and serve. In that I may have been able to feel the comfort I was seeking to find myself.
Everyone has challenges and struggles. We feel and handle things differently from one another. What may seem easy for someone handle may be extremely hard for someone else. I have learned from my own struggles never to judge someone else’s hardship as a thing of naught because unless you are in there shoes you will never fully grasp the heartache or pain they are going through.
The scripture that stands out to
me as I look back is this: “Behold, verily,
verily, I say unto you that mine eyes are upon you. I am in your midst and ye
cannot see me” (D&C 38:7). So many times, especially in my darkest hour, I
have felt that Heavenly Father was there standing right by me but I just could
not see Him. And at times that he was literally holding me, carrying me, and
just helping me survive the night.
I look back at all those trials one after the other and I am grateful. The sun is shining and I am looking forward to this new life here in Washington. Life is great and wondrous. I am looking forward to the new adventures that await or family. Trials make us stronger, that i do know. Trials make us who we are. I hope that with each trial I have, I can always look on them and see the things I have learned and grow from them. Its not easy when you are going through it. If the Lord expects me to become like him and through these trials I learn to do that then that is the way it needs to be. Until I finish the course I started in this life, I will continue to serve Him with all my might, mind and strength.
